The greatest experience, the one which shakes a soul with hopes and fears, the results of which are never ending, and incidentally, the one which pays the biggest dividends, is to be found in the adoption of children.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

6 Days Down, ??? To Go...........

............... A few years ago, the term "emotional eating" didn't register with me. I couldn't understand the concept of a person turning to food as comfort. What kind of comfort can food give you? Well, I'll tell ya. Over the last two years of this insane roller coaster ride of an adoption, chocolate and I have gotten to be really good buddies! Now tell me, please, how ridiculous is that?!?! I get no emotional support from chocolate. I get no friendly advice from chocolate. No. All I get are extra pounds...... lots of extra pounds.............thirty to be exact! I'm not stupid, chocolate has never helped me solved a problem. It hasn't helped me deal with all of the disappointments in our adoption. It hasn't helped me at all! But it is absolutely scrumptious.......unbelievably, indescribably good! It has unfortunately taken me much too long to get to this point, but I've decided to give up chocolate. Yes, you read that right. I'm giving up chocolate. I committed to that on January 1st and so far so good. I know, it's only been 6 days but for me that's unheard of. It's not a New Years resolution. I've never been much into resolutions. I'm giving up something that I dearly love in an effort to get my heart, mind and body back where I should be. About a year ago, I fasted from all food on Mondays. I used my Mondays to pray and meditate. I committed to food free Mondays until we got some good news on Nola's case. I don't remember how long the fasting continued but it was several months. Some Mondays were not so tough and some were very difficult but regardless of the discomfort, I had made the commitment and was sticking to it. Now, back to the chocolate. How long can a serious chocolate loving gal live without chocolate? I guess that remains to be seen. I'm committing to eating no chocolate...............until Nola comes home. In reality, I'm probably looking at, at least, a year. With our hearing still scheduled in June and facing the reality that the PGN is not in any hurry to approve the cases it has, I'll be surprised if Nola is home this time next year. Just writing and reading those words is enough to sadden me tremendously but not discourage me. I'm turning my heart and mind where it should have been all along. Each chocolate craving will remind me to seek comfort and direction in prayer. Our heavenly Father is always there for me and for all of us and wants us to bring Him every care. He will comfort me and the good news is, I won't gain an ounce from it. It is certainly going to be a challenge. I'm going to have to retrain my mind but I'm up for it. I am loved and adored by a God who created me; a God who deserves my praise and who is always with me. He expects me to come to him in all situations so He can reassure me and uplift me................that's something Chocolate can't do.

I'll keep you updated as to how I'm doing. I am, however, allowing myself one type of chocolate and that is Hot chocolate and the occasional chocolate flavored coffee drink. Hey, it's my own personal fast so I can make up the rules, right? Hot chocolate isn't something I have often. On those bitterly cold winter days (like we've been having lately) it does seem to warm me up better than hot tea so I'm not removing it from my diet. And the coffee drinks, I only have on occasion so I certainly won't be abusing the fact that those two things will remain legal consumables.


Gardenia said...

Hi. I still read all your posts, but mostly lurk now. I pray for you and your little precious Nola, that God will whisk her home to you by His own hand. anyway, i decided to post a comment becuase of what your post is about. Fasting is one of the ways we can pray -- sometimes, when the prayers just won't come out, when the words can't be formed, because we're too discouraged, or despaired or down trodden, the fasting is our way to pray! I think your Mondays fast is incredible! I gave up chocolate as my way of prayer (although at the time I may have viewed it as penance, but now I think it's prayer!) in June 2002. haven't had a babe ruth or hershey kiss or (I better stop) anything chocolate related since then --- except for once or twice when I was in social situations where I absolutely could not decline the dessert. it would've brought too much attention to me which I don't want to do with my "prayer." anyway, yes, I do indulge in Cafe Mocha once in a blue moon -- I don't consider that chocolate. :) not bragging here, just sharing. it's a truly good feeling to give up something, isn't it? like your food on mondays. but I can't say I've ever lost a opound from it, though it probably kept me from gaining !

Mamita J said...

Good for you, Pam! You are a brave and strong woman!

I love your heart on the matter.


Danny and Brittney said...

Go Pam! I remember giving up chocolate for Kinsey until I was able to see her again. It was around 3 months I believe. What was amazing was it wasn't has hard as I thought. The problem was I tried to find pleasure and satisfaction through other sweets and ended up gaining some pounds. I know you can do this. God will help you through it. You can always give me a call if you need some encouragement or cheerleading!!!
Nola will be able to see these things that her parents did throughout her journey home and see how dedicated you were to never ever give up on her. You can do it!

Lisa said...

And I have not touched ice cream since I left your house (when was that exactly - two weeks ago) and have no desire whatsoever. Whenever I look at the ice cream in my fridge, Nola's little face pops up in front of me.
That's that and my blood sugar is all the better for it.
Yours will be too without the chocolate.
You can do it. I know it.

Hua said...

Good luck! Giving up chocolate is hard, but I know you can do it!

Director of Bloggers

Gordon Mote - Don't Miss the Glory